Blogger Down!

So I recently had surgery to repair a tendon in my hand...needless to ay I cant update the blog quite like I used to. Ill get back at you guys when I heal up! In the meantime get a Double Decker or 5 for me!

I found the Mecca of all Taco Bells... consider me Muslim

So I found it, the best Taco Bell ever. What is the one thing that would make Taco Bell even better, the one thing that is often the cause of getting Taco Bell, the one thing that has been the cause of many mistakes...alcohol!

While visiting NYC, I stumbled past a Taco Bell that sold beer inside. An entire stocked ice chest of delicious frosty beer. I know it's been a while since a new post, but a find this amazing, was well worth the wait.
So if any of you happen to find yourself in NYC, head into Penn Station and find this glorious Taco Bell and get yourself into the cycle of awesomeness...drink, eat TB to sober up, drink, and so forth.

Life. Is. Good.

Wild Card Meal- 11/3/09

Since I am literally reeling from Griff's free ride he gave me on the Bullet Train to Burnsville, I have to give you my synopsis of my recent foray to the Border. I have a standard meal, which has been described ad nauseum on our little bloggy blog here, so Ill spare you. Here it goes my first wild card meal, which as stipulated by the rules that Griff and I established; should consist of menu items you have never ordered or have ordered rarely-

1- Crunchwrap Supreme- First off, there is too much going on with this thing, it the Wild Cat Offense of Taco Bell menu items- things are just not doing what they should be but some how make it come together. The crunchy shell providing the structure on my example was stale. The lettuce, too much of it and it just falls out. The cheese- not enough. The sour cream- it was bunched all at one side, and was not a good fit. Wrap all of that in a Tortilla, toasted the same way they toast the GSB, is a nice touch, but really does nothing here. I immediatley disrespected this menu item, not a fan, Ill never order it again.

2- The Enchirito- I had this item a really long time ago, and I honestly forgot what it was, so as I sat in the drive through, repeatedly telling he dude to "Uh, hold on.", I overlooked it. It comes to you in a plastic box...clear top, black bottom. It looks like an Enchilada, it essentially is an Enchilada, just fucking call it an Enchilada, why call it an Enchirito? Okay, I got really pissed with this item, as I didnt really know how to eat it as the aforementioned dude at the drive through forgot to give me the ubiquitous "Spork", made famous by the Bell, and beloved by people all over the world. This menu item once I had to break out the knife and fork(!!!!!!!!!!), was pretty damn good, I would order it again; but please Taco Bell dont make me feel all proper by having to use a knife and fork.

3- The Meximelt- Ive never had this item before, I hear that it is one of the longest tenured items on the Taco Bell menu, for good measure- ITS DELICIOUS. It's the perfect blend of cheesy goodness, mixed with the right ammount of beef and tomatoes- only thing missing is the Pepper Jack sauce, Griff will agree with me, it makes everything awesome. I will be ordering the Meximelt again.

Overall this experience was "Okay", it would have been better if I had gotten the Fire Sauce I requested, but Ill save that for the next time I post- Lee Highway Taco Bell, you have been put on notice. A fat guy in a red car has your number.

Beware of the "1/2 pound burrito"

So let me start by saying the only 1/2 pounder I have had thus far is the nacho crunch burrito, and it is delicious. It is the closest thing to the GSB with chips in it I have found. It could definitely use more crunch but it is still a great contrast. With that being said, I would just like to warn you all to not get your hopes up by the name "1/2 pounder." The description of the burrito is perhaps the most misleading thing of them all

A warm flour tortilla loaded with a double portion** of seasoned ground beef and filled with warm nacho cheese sauce, juicy tomatoes, reduced fat sour cream and crunchy red strips.

* Based on average weight.
Individual product weights necessarily vary.

**Double Beef compared to Burrito Supreme

First of all, the fact it says based on average weight tells me that they probably made 100 12lb burritos to start, gave them to their CEOs and now sell bite size version because it is all based off of an average.

Secondly, the ** is a bunch of bullshit, I've seen/eaten/experienced a burrito supreme and they are way bigger than these 1/2 pounders.

And lastly, look at this picture.

This is a supposed 1/2 pound burrito next to a GSB. Now, I did not weigh the burrito but there is no way that little thing is 1/2 a pound (that's what she said...thank you Michael Scott.)

So I do not want to discourage you from buying one of these tasty treats but I just want you to beware that when you order a 1/2 pounder, its best to divide by 2 because that is more realistic of what you are getting. Just like Ryan's stories, no matter what he says, divide by 2 and that is how much of the story is probably true...ooo burnesville...population RYAN!!!

Fond Taco Bell Memories- The Sunday Grande Meal

I wanted to start a series on our blog called "Fond Taco Bell Memories", it would be a place for Griff and I to lay some past Taco greatness on you guys while we reminisced- memories kick ass.

Im going to start this series off with one of my favorite traditions- Taco Day. In the Fall of '02 my HeteroLifemate Mikey Kelley and I used to be known for: good grades, good looks and great times, generally involving him urinating on someone or something in an alcoholic haze, it was his good ole' party trick. Mick is a great guy, he lived with his dad till 26, gambled for a living and is literally the only person I know to ever have the shit beat out of them in a cab in Vegas, robbed and left out in the desert. Mick also is quite the Taco Bell enthusiast. One Sunday morning after a brutal night out, we decided nothing would fix our hang over like a run for the border. We hopped in Mick's Red Z3 and drove into town. Upon arriving at the drive thru a conversation started, "Hey G, I bet you cant eat a whole Grande Meal." not one to shy away from any food or booze related challenge, I stepped up to the plate, and so did he. I later found out that this is known as the "Grande Meal Challenge" whatever, we thought it was cool. We collected our orders, drove back to the house and much to the chagrin of those there to watch the Cowboys game, we crushed our meals, well under the ten minute mark- that day a tradition was started, two idiots would roll in around 1230 to collect their meals and we would go back to the house, eat our meals and watch football- If Football wasn't on, an Arnold movie.

T2 can deliver more than you think

As you all know I have a bit of an obsession with the GSB and I'm not gonna waste your time with again explaining why. I do want to explain to you why the GSB combo meal, the T2, is the best meal you can get at TB.

There may be combos that deliver more food, or come at a cheaper price, and while all meals come with a soda, it is the chips that deliver the goods in this combo meal. Let it first be said that no soda other than Mountain Dew should ever be drank at TB. They are notoriously good at having the newest flavors of Mountain Dew at most of their locations. Mo flavor will ever compare to original, but if you are ever presented with the opportunity to have Code Red, do so. Either of the two are beautiful compliments to the tasty appeal of TB. T1 through T9 it does not matter...Mountain Dew goes best. It's EXTREEEEEEMMMME!

But here is where the true art of eating at TB is shown. Once you get your T2, feel free to immediately toss out the nacho cheese sauce; this will not be needed where these chips are going. Begin your eating experience by applying a line of fire sauce to the top of the GSB. Take the first 2 or 3 bites needed to properly remove the top of the burrito. From here on out, insert a chip into every opening, followed by another generous portion of fire sauce (mild or hot will work as well but fire is the best). By doing so, you have now created the bastard child of the GSB and the Crunch Wrap Supreme..a GSB with the glorious crunch of the CWS.

So there it is. If you are going to go with a combo meal, make it a T2 with a Mountain Dew and make sure you use your chips appropriately. Guaranteed to make any consumer a satisfied one.

Pennsylvania should stick to their cheese steaks

Stopped by a TB on the way back from PA. I, of course, went for the GSB but my buddy, against my advice, got a black jack taco. The picture is all that needs to be shown. Nothing fell out. This is exactly as he got it. So I mainly blame Pennsylvania but this event only adds to my disdain towards the Black Jack taco.

What a trip.

Just got back from our roadtrip to State College, Pa; a great win and good times were had by all. In my travels across central Penn, I noticed several "Old School" Taco Bells...pretty interesting seein them, I kinda thought they were extinct.




Also, if you ever have the chance, stop into a Sheetz, it's incredible. There is literally everything you will ever need on a road trip, including a Made To Order stateion where they will make you everything from a Buffalo Chicken Wrap to a Hot Dog...siiick. They also have more selections of soda than any place I have ever been.



...and watch out for the SNAKEBIIIIIITTTTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taco Bell's Volcano must be extinct

Webster dictionary defines an exaggeration as "an enlargement beyond bounds or the truth." With that being said...Taco Bell's Volcano item commercials redefines exaggeration. Now I know that over doing things in commercials is standard, but when you see something like THIS and fire is coming from a guys mouth....I expect some spice...I got none of it. The "molten lava" hot sauce did not even deliver a slight tingle on my lips, not even a hint of it.

I consider myself a hot sauce connoisseur. I will try any hot sauce. I've had mild and tasty hot sauces, garlic infused hot sauces, even ulcer causing hot sauces. I recently had a hot sauce that was so hot...I'm not shitting you hear (especially since I did enough shitting on my own the next day) that this hot sauce made me puke in the middle of the night and it honestly felt like I had gonorrhea in the morning. My pee burned...but it was well worth it.

So with that being said, when Taco Bell comes out saying "this could be the hottest taco ever" I expect gonorrhea hot. I at least expect it to be spicier than their fire hot sauce, but it wasn't. Pathetic on all fronts. I'm starting to see a pattern with Taco Bell's featured items...if there are artificial colors added, stay away(see previous Black Jack Taco post). Taco Bell is hoping we are going to be sold on looks alone, but as all men feel about women, it's what's on the inside that counts.

Keep your 1/3lb- Ill have my 1/2 Lb.

So the other day I was on my way home after a late night at the office, being the bachelor that I am(COOK!?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GD MIND?!?), I decided to stop off at the Arches for a meal, I am usally a Nuggets guy, have been since I was a little dude. I hobbled my way in to make my order; I need to clarify here, the Arches, is right behind my office, so it was a quick jaunt over...Im lazy...I mean, come on, I write on a blog about Fast Food, get off my ass. Another digression...SO, I walk over to the counter and start looking at the menu, why? I have no idea, I usually go straight for the Nuggs, out of the corner of my eye I spot the advertisement for the new 1/3 pound Angus burgers... I was intrigued, three different varieties, and I am FLOORED by the price, $4.19, for the effing BURGER, that's not a value meal, that's not it and fries, that's for the damn burger; Im cheap, but this is wayyyyy too much. I retreat from the counter, awkwardly grabbing for my cell phone, like I got a call, and had to not make my order and ran for the door. I got in my car and made my way to the all too familiar place, Taco Bell, I made my tracks for the door(Im usually an eat and drive guy, but recently I quit doing so, as the State of Virginia deemed me the Worst driver in the Country, yep, worse than her.). As I was walking up to the counter to place my order I noticed a some what dated promotional ad for the 1/2 Lb Burritos, I was floored(twice in one night), that's like, I dunno I suck at fractions, more food for, $1.99. My first experience came with the Nacho Crunch, I would recommend it again. Moral of the story here people is, dont be fooled by things like "Fresh", "100% Pure Angus", "Axiom" and "Filling"- go with your gut, and your wallet, leave both heavier.

This will be our first fight

Ryan and I do differ a bit on our favorite menu items...he goes for the double decker and I the Cheesy Gordita Crunch but we can at least both agree the opposing dishes are still delicious. Here is where we truly begin to clash...the black jack taco...

I have a theory how the black jack tack was created. One night, in say, Corpus Cristi, a lazy and rather unethical taco bell employee was making up an order for a cheesy gordita crunch but he/she realized they were out of taco shells. Scrambling through the back rooms and storage closets, an old shell was found which had a dark tint of brownish black due to the age. Deciding to use that, and already being 15min late on the order, they scrambled back to the assembly line, applied to CGC innards, wrapped it up and delivered completely forgetting to surround the shell in the essential cheese and gordita...ipso facto...the black jack taco was created.

This poor excuse for a taco bell featured item is simply a cheesy gordita crunch with a black shell and no cheese or gordita. I cant stand it. It is unexceptable. As good as the pepper jack sauce is, I truly feel they needed to create a new sauce to go with this new item. How about 2 different sauce that are black and red to go along with the black jack theme? or a sauce with "21" different peppers?

Yes the BJ taco (black jack taco that is...but wow theres a GREAT featured item idea) is only 89 cents compared to the $2 of a CGC but, believe me, the extra $1.11 is weelllllllll worth it.

BLACK JACK TACO = FAILURE

Menu Item FAIL- Cinnamon Twists.

So, Im known to order a few different "Wild Cards" off the menu, the Black Jack Taco box being one of them; LOVE THAT THING. HATE Cinnamon Twists. When I was a kid Taco Bell had an AWESOME desert, which was the Nacho Chips covered in Cinnamon, these things were sooooo good, my Mom used to get them to shut my dumbass up; as a matter of fact, I believe I was munching on an order of them when my sister was given 2nd Degree burns by nacho cheese at the Taco Bell off of Sarasota in Corpus, I got a scary memory- I remember everything. I digress. Last night after practice I pulled, what Ill call "the Bentley" and stopped off at Taco Bell for a nice refreshing meal. I wanted to switch it up, so I got the Black Jack Taco Box...an excellent menu item, but like I mentioned earlier, is knocked down several pegs by the addition of Cinnamon Twists. These things are terrible, they are some deep fried non-sense covered in Cinnimon and Sugar, AN AWESOME CONCEPT, terrible execution. They are like sweet Packing Peanuts, now I straight disrespect them and throw them in the trash as soon as I open the box. If Taco Bell wants to make a good desert, they need to go back where they started, the Cinnamon Sugar Nacho Chips were OFF THE CHAIN.

..First joint mission to T-Bell- Partial Success, little fuzzy for one of our authors.

So as Griff mentioned in his previous post- we won("down go the Renegades"- makes me laugh every time), Ben had food all over his face at the drink up, we rode a ferry back(WTF?), Drew got hammered(HILARITY-see picture above), I took a 2 hr cat nap and met Griff out with some of the other dudes(way to dip out early Panek) and we made our way out to the various(Kelly's Irish Times)bars in DC for a good few booze drinks(Bourbon and Cokes- lets not get too fancy people). Griff had way too many, I had a couple, we danced with random people and made our way home- somehow my copilot managed to sprain his ankle and I was soaking wet. On the way home, Griff took a nap in the car, he only woke up when we pulled into Taco Bell- the warming glow of the Bell coaxed him from his slumber.
I fired off the typical order of two Double Deckers, a Chicken Quesadilla, and two Chessy Gordita Crunches, for Griff; of course. Made our way back to the crib, sat down in the living room, fired up the Discovery Channel, started eating and demolished the food that was given to us, including a bonus item we didn't even pay for(1/2lb Nacho Burrito)! Even funnier waking up the next morning and watching him eat Taco Bell off the floor.
All in all- the Lee Highway Taco Bell served us well, no complaints and no empty Taco shells like last time I rolled through there late night- Bastards left out all the ingredients of my tacos, save for the shells- realllly big surprise for me when I got home- On a side note, how freaking awesome is it when you have to have your cab driver take you through the drive thru? I LOVE IT- "NO SERIOUSLY SIR, ILL GET YOU SOME NACHOS OR SOMETHING! Its cool man they know me here.", people are looking at you trifling; I mean, its not like those people have never been hammered before.
The next morning we figured, "what the hell", lets get some T. Bell, what better to start the day. Off we went to the establishment we both love so much, huge grins on our faces, my second chin was in FULL EFFECT. The ordering process was smooth, there was a young couple there, nice looking people,clearly having ordering issues, not sure what the hell was going on there Ive seen Jim Zorn make decisions quicker than that. Its always so awkward when two dudes who know what they want are standing there discussing what they want and how AWESOME it's going to be... and the people ahead of them are going crosseyed looking at the menu, its The Bell people, get it together! It was another banner performance for the Lee Highway Taco Bell(check out the order time, yep we made a run for the border).

A Taco Bell bomb...shrapnel was everywhere

So we won our game this weekend just FYI. It was 40 degrees and pouring rain...miserable. We had to drive an hour and a half north into bum fuck nowhere when it was supposed to be a home game for us but due to a few ill-advised decision...it was not. But all is good, we won and that's all that matters....

(insert cut scene of many drinks with the guys then it fades to black)

I wake up on a couch with Ryan G on the other and am surrounded by reptile cage galor. I have no idea where I am and logically conclude that Ryan and I are the newest victims of Saw VII. As soon as I realized that the closest thing to torture I'd be experiencing was the constant badgering from the other guys about my sleep over at Ryans, I relaxed. As I rolled over a familiar slip of paper with matching plastic bag caught my eye....THAT'S A TACO BELL RECEIPT AND BAG!!!

"RYAN WAKE THE FUCK UP...DID WE GO TO TACO BELL LAST NIGHT!?!?" Well apparently we did and after passing out in the car on the ride home, Ryan oh so generously donated one of his Cheesy Gordita Crunches to me. I wasn't sure such an act of kindness was possible but the evidence doesnt lie...their was CGC shrapnel all over the floor next to me. God must have been on my side that day though, as a fortuitous glob of beef, Pepper Jack sauce, and cheese raised above the floor by a layer of lettuce.

This is where logical Griff entered.

"Man down! Man down!" and the shrapnel was gone. Best but worst decision of my life. Having that little bit of CGC is like giving Whitney Houston a tiny piece of crack...you bet your ass she's gonna want more (sorry Whitney I love you)...and I did too. So off to Taco Bell we went...again. I went with my Dream Meal and as The Wildcard I went with my, it's sad to say, first ever Double Decker taco. I guess Kareem's internet ad isn't as good as Ryan thinks. While it was good, it no way can compare to teh CGC, but that is an entirely different post.

So in conclusion children, don't ever waste Taco Bell, whether it's on the floor of a reptil utopia or not. But be prepared...Taco Bell does not lose any of it's appeal...it will always be good, always be tasty, and always leaving you want some more...so go get it and enjoy.

Introduction- Ryan G.

Soooo this is my foray into culinary critique...since I dont know anything about regular cuisine, along with Griff were going to critique Fast Food, God's gift to Cardiologists, broke people, lazy people, skinny people, fat people, depressed people, happy people, the young and the old- and most importantly Drunk people. So I figure rather than write the normal, intro piece I would write something about...fuck it...myself- a bio if you will-
Born in the early 80s, Arlington, Va, moved to Atlanta, Ga as a tyke, moved to Corpus Christi, Tx as a bigger tyke, then on to the Suburbs and later City of Houston, TX(THE FATTEST DAMN CITY IN AMERICA!!!! It's only fitting that I write a blog about fast food, sports and my dislike for popular culture), went to college in East Texas, moved to DC in 04. I work for a large defense contractor, wear a suit, hate confrontation and and play Rugby with Griff, poorly and often times out of breath. I probably eat Fast Food two to three times a week, and it shows- Im not gonna lie, I got moobs.
My favorite fast food meal is a #1 Whata-sized, add Cheese and Ketchup, with a Dr. Pepper from Whataburger- many a drunk night in College/High School(sorry Father Belisch/Mom/Dad/Sugar Land Police Department), this saved me from monumental hangovers.
My favorite Taco Bell menu item- the DoubleDecker, why? Cause I was a HUGE Hakeem fan when I was a kid, and Im pretty sure it was the only product he ever endorsed. Not to mention I have the decision making ability of a pilled out, Drunk-Brett Favre; when I get up there my brain has no idea if it wants "crunchy or soft", as the lady/gentleman behind the counter asks what Ill have, the hemming and hawing in my brain reaches a fever pitch, and I just blurt out "DOUBLEDECKER!!!" and look around confused,yet saited with my order.
My most recent fast food experience- McDonald's French Fries in Hanover, MD. Assholes forgot my nuggests, I got bitter- and the fries were subpar at best. Kinda like a skinny Kelly Clarkson.

Dream Meal (no intro needed) -Griff

Going to Taco Bell and ordering goes far beyond ordering your one favorite item. You must select in such a way that you are sure all items will compliment each other in size, taste, variety, and price. Chances are if you ask 10 people what they order when they get their Fourth Meal, you will get a different combo of items every time. Whatever the case here is my "Dream Meal."

1. Grilled Stuft Burrito w/ steak (GSB)
"A large, warm, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around seasoned ground beef, hearty beans, seasoned rice, a blend of three cheeses — cheddar, pepperjack and mozzarella, creamy Pepper Jack sauce, and Fiesta Salsa, then grilled to perfection. You can also upgrade this item with marinated and grilled all-white-meat chicken or authentic carne asada steak. (which I clearly do)"

It really doesn't get any better this. It is the perfect combo of textures and flavors all for around $3. It is a great foundation because of its size and can be combined with any other item. It just can't be beat.

2. Cheesy Gordita Crunch (CGC)
"A crunch taco shell filled with seasoned ground beef, zesty Pepper Jack sauce, shredded lettuce and a blend of three cheeses — cheddar, pepperjack and mozzarella, ALL wrapped in a warm, pillowy flatbread attached with the melted three cheese blend"

No substitutions are needed here, this taco/gordita is perfect as is, and for only $2 it's a steal. Taco Bell knows this as well since they don't have it on any of their menus or on their website yet will always serve it. Its soft exterior provides the perfect following to the tough guy exterior of the GSB. It is the ying to the GSB's yang. A match made in heaven. Because both items are accented with the phenomenal Pepper Jack sauce yet have differing fillings, these items are perfectly in sync with one to deliver two unique dishes with pleasant similarities.

3. The Wildcard
No, don't get excited thinking this is the newest item Taco Bell has to offer, because it isn't. My third and final item is called The Wildcard because here I choose any item from the value menu to ensure fullness and, something the 49ers currently have none of, pocket protection. I'll generally go with the chicken burrito, never the taco, as the chicken quality and flavor somehow seems to diminish quickly in taco form. If I'm feeling crazy I'll go with the triple layer nachos. However you pick you're only adding an extra buck to your total which will make sure you leave full in both your stomach and wallet (I know I kind of stole that from their "I'm fuuuulllllll" slogan but whatever)

So in the end, with tax, you are only looking at around $7 for the damn near best meal you could ever imagine in your life. I know we won't all agree on the combination of items, as we all have our opinions, but all I ask is that if you haven't tried either of my #1 or #2, DO SO!!! It needs to be done.